Tales of the Parodyverse

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Joshua Clement
Mon Jan 02, 2006 at 10:49:53 pm EST
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The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak Giant-Sized #50: This Time With Lair Legion vs Botherhood of Evil Mutates and De Brown Streak’s Finest Three Nonoseconds!
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In the last 31 issues of De Brown Streak: It turns out Josh was adopted. His real father is would-be world-conquering leader of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutates, Morbido the Magnificent. That’s Morbido’s real name, by the way. His parents hated him. Also Josh has a twin sister, the super-hot Vermillion Vex, a.k.a. Pricilla DuBois, a.k.a. the girl Vizh is dating. Things went downhill from there. Josh broke up with his girlfriend Uhuna after she cheated on him with her proper boyfriend Nats. Josh was warned by Sir Mumphrey Wilton that he was in danger of flunking as a Legionnaire. Josh was falsely accused of murdering mutate-hating G-Man Herbert P. Garrick and had to flee to join the Botherhood of Evil Mutates. Just two issues ago Josh had to kidnap Visionary to lead his former team-mates in the Lair Legion into a death trap. And all the time the GeneBomb is counting down to the time it’ll explode and brainwash every non-mutate on Earth into becoming mindless slaves of Homo Peculiaris. The Legion are trapped and at long last Josh has decided what he has to do: take on the entire Botherhood, defeat his father, stop the bomb, and save the world.

The Botherhood gets listed down at the bottom of this page. Footnotes are all the rage. The Lair Legion are all in the Who’s Who of the Parodyverse, and that’s linked on the main PV Board. All the previous chapters are at De Brown Streak’s Run. Go read it all so we can get on with the big mega-sized finale special.

In fact this is such a major deal and DBS’ huge moment that I’m going to declare this #50. Just because I can. So here it is, The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak Giant-Sized #50: This Time With Lair Legion vs Botherhood of Evil Mutates and De Brown Streak’s Finest Three Nonoseconds!

Visionary: “It’s boring watching all these Friends reruns. I think I’ll go down to the bomb silo and see if the Legion have arrived to rescue me yet. I think Turbulence put the key up over the lintel here.”

He progresses through the top-secret mutate base, wondering why there are sirens hooting and big LED clocks counting down: 7.55 7.54 7.53…

Visionary: “Hello? Anyone here? I thought I heard a sound like superheroes and supervillains fighting.”

Pricilla DuBois: “Visionary? Aren’t you supposed to be handcuffed up in the cell area?”

Vizh: “Hey, I’ve had plenty of practise at getting out of handcuffs recently since I started dating…” Then his mind catches up. “Pricilla! Did those swines capture you too? Never fear, I’ll find a way to get you safely away from your father. And why did they make you wear that tight, body-hugging Vermillion Vex costume?”

Pricilla: “Vizh, I have a bit of a shock for you. I am the Vermillion Vex.”

Vizh, chuckles: “Good one. But really, we have to get out of here before the Botherhood know we’ve escaped. I heard some explosions before so I think the Lair Legion might be nearby. Things tend to blow up when they arrive.”

Pricilla: “They did come, with Uhuna and that Hallie woman. They’ve all been trapped. Most of them are being slowly strangled by these trapped passes round their necks, the Shoggoth’s encased in plascrete, and the rest have been wrapped in steel sheets by my father. They’re all about to be executed now, and then mutates will rule supreme over a mindwashed planet.”

Vish: “Pricilla, this is serious. We don’t have time for more of your erotic role playing. Besides, we’ve already done that one.”

Pricilla looks about for a wall to bang her head against. Or maybe Vizh’s. “Visionary, listen very closely. I am a villainess. I framed my brother to force him to join us. I led your friends into a trap to destroy them. And fond as I am of you I’m now going to have to murder you so your lifeless corpse can be displayed to the world along with the other champions of humanity.”

Vizh: “You’re breaking up with me?”

Pricilla: “Well… I guess we have time for one farewell nooner. C’mere.”

It’s a sign of how serious things are that in this episode Vizh is getting the smoochies and Josh has to take on the army of raving mutant fanatics intent on conquering the planet. Has the world gone crazy? But look, there’s Josh now, and he’s not exactly striking terror into the Botherhood of Evil Mutates.

Obo the Indestructible: “You’re not exactly striking terror into us, you know.

The Slug: “So you run fast. What good is that except to try and get away before we peel you like a grape?”

De Brown Streak: “You guys really haven’t been paying attention these last 31 issues, have you? Not only am I going to kick your collective asses, I am going to look cool doing it. Watch!”

Kismet, seeing the future: “Watch out! He’s going to…”

DBS grabs Odo the Indestructible and uses him to club the Slug without having to touch Slug’s super-slimy skin.

Kismet: “And now he’s…”

DBS tickles the Wailer so instead of his sonic scream he gets terrible hiccups.

Kismet: “Quick! He’s about…”

DBS drags jumbuck into Turbulence’s earthquake path, the twists Flame-O round to set fire to Miragemind’s pants before the master of illusion can think of a good hallucination.

Kismet: “Aw crap.”

DBS ties and gags Kismet up in Fatale’s leotard.

Fatale: “Hey!”

DBS: “What, you thought I was going to let Visionary get all the action?”

The Slob: “Do what you want, little runner, but nothing can shift the unmoveable Slob! I’m immune to pretty much anything.”

DBS: “Including deodorants, I’m guessing. But right now I’m using my power to speed up other objects to supercharge your digestive system. You can keep standing there if you like, but I’m guessing…”

Slob: “Outta my way! I need the bathroom bad!”

“So something can move the Slob.” Josh rushes to the cubicle before the Slob and steals the toilet paper.

Then Josh gets jerked into the air by the iron in his blood, wrapped in iron sheeting, and held before his father Morbido the Malevolent. “That’s enough, son. Nothing will stop the inevitable rise of Homo Peculiaris. Look at the dramatically-counting-down countdown clock.”

Josh, not impressed: “Well what else do you expect a countdown clock to do?”

Countdown Clock: “3.02 3.01. 3.00”

Morbido: “In three minutes, I will rule the world!” He laughs maniacally. I think there’s some kind of rule.

De Brown Streak superspeeds his body to vibrate loose of his bonds. And vanishes.

Morbido: “What? Where did he go? Josh? Josh?”

Fatale: “Hey, he can’t just rip off my leotard then leave. The tease.”

Turbulence: “Maybe he just ran away. What a huge anticlimax.”

DBS reappears: “Or maybe I was racing round at massive super-speed vibrating the Lair Legion out of their traps?” Josh points over to the doorway.

Flame-O: “Oh crap.”

Hatman: “Lair Legion…”

Yo: “To be holding of it, cuting Hatty. Is only to be fair is Josh to be saying of it this time.”

Hatman: “You know what, I guess it is. Go on DBS. Shout it out.”

DBS: “Really? Me?”

Hatman: “Yeah, you earned it.”

Lisa: “Can I just remind everybody about the big countdown clock?”

Countdown Clock: “1.54 1.53 1.52…”

DBS: “Oh yeah. Sorry. Lair Legion, Line Up!”

Hatman: “Feels good, doesn’t it?”

DBS: “It is surprisingly satisfying.”

CSFB!: “And now we get the big double-page action shot as the Earth’s mightiest heroes kick the snot out of the Botherhood of Evil Mutates!”

Yo: “The Avengerings are to be being here?”

The Wailer: “As if you humans could stop the awesome power of the Bother…” That’s as far as he gets as Mumphrey comes out of his time suspension and dings him on the nose.

Jumbuck’s not impressed: “Bah! I’m the best there is at what I do, and what I do is…”

Mr Epitome: “Bleed?” He thumps the man dressed as a giant killer rabbit. “You know I always questioned the theory of how useful adamantine bones actually are if the flesh around them can still get squashed to a pulp. Allow me to demonstrate.”

Jumbuck: “Hah! I have a healing facturk!”

Mr Epitome: “Next?”

Miragemind: “Suddenly the room is full of hundreds of terrible monsters! Which ones are real and which are mere illusions? How can our heroes possibly decide before it is too late?”

Yuki Shiro: “Well, my plan was to kick the crap out of every single one of them, real or not, and then to come after you.”

Trickshot: “Yeah, that works for me as a plan. That and the sneezing-gas arrow in the general direction of Miragemind.”

Yo: “Yo is thinking these illsionarying monsters are all to be very cute, but Yo is also thinking that if Yo is to be thumping of uncute Miragemind is whole problem solved, yes?”

Flame-O: “Yeah, but he gathered most of you good guys together, so a single burst of my fire should sear the flesh off your bones! Ooh, I’m so wicked I make myself shudder!”

The Manga Shoggoth: “Think of me as safety foam. Think of me as a big, bubbling, squirming multi-angled mass of safety foam, oozing all over you, filling your mouth, drowning you in absolute safety. Try not to scream because it’ll take me ages to crawl from your lungs.”

Turbulence: “Ah’ll bring the whole place down on top of your heads, heroes! Let’s rock and roll!”

Dancer: “Um actually, I think you somehow improbably slipped and just earthquaked your foot off, didn’t you? Hold still while I get the first aid kit from the Lairjet.”

The Slug: “Aha! I have captured a hostage! This pretty little green-skinned girl is now my prisoner, to fondle as I please. Surrender or…”

Hallie: *Zaaaarrrrrrkkkkkk!!!!* *crackle* *hiss* “Sorry, did someone just grab my hard-light hologram? I thought I felt a minor discharge.”

Slug, steaming on the floor: “Sorry. That usually never happens to me. Honestly.”

Obo the Indestructible: “Try that one me! Nothing can harm me! Nothing!”

CrazySugarFreakBoy!, pouring on the silly string: “Why should we want to harm you? I’ll just settle for you not being able to move for the next three weeks.”

Kismet: “Free at last! Listen, I can see one clear way that we can still defeat all the Legion. All we need to do is…”

The Librarian downloads the entire Prophesies of Nostradamus straight into Kismet’s neural cortex and follows up with a complete run of World Weekly News.

Kismet: “Too… many… Elvises…”

Librarian: “Actually, I think they’re properly termed Elvii.”

Lisa: “Al B, help me over here! I need some assistance.”

Al B Harper: “Sure thing. Grab this.” He hands her the end of the power cable he’s just attached to the wall.”

Lisa: “Sure, but what does it Aaaakkkkkkkkkkk!!!!” Dancer falls over unconscious and turns back into the hot blue naked chick Fatale.

Al B: “See, now I can die happy.”

Lisa: “Plus, she was nowhere near slutty enough to be the real thing.” *Preens*

The Slob: “You still have to deal with me, and there’s enough of me to take down all of you! Plus I’ve been eating onions.”

Hatman pulls on his Slimmer’s Club hat and jumps in there.

Slob: “Nooo! Noooooooo!!!”

Trickshot: “Gee, who knew Hatty could create raw carrot like that, and use it so creatively?”

Mumphrey: “It’s over, Morbido. We’ve beaten your little Botherhood. Stop the countdown clock now and surrender.”

Morbido: “Pah. You forget I have the power to use the powers of any mutate whose bones I happen to touch. And here in my bone pouch I happen to have a tibia from Psychic Mastermind. All I need do is telepathically connect all of your brains together, including the Shoggoth…”

Lair Legion: “Aaaaaaaaaaaggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!”

Shoggoth: “Whoops.”

Morbido: “Then, while the Shoggoth is shocked at experiencing humanity’s perspective and vice versa, I’ll use Techbird’s technology control to trigger the dimensional transfer equipment that my daughter stole the plans for from Harper and that I hid in these walls to shift you all slightly out of phase with reality.”

“Yo is thinking that cute Lair Legion may already be slightly out of phase with reality, to be honesting.”

“But by the time your Shoggoth or Harper or the Librarian or Hallie or one of you finds the way to escape, it will be too late for planet Earth!”

Countdown Clock: “0.37 0.36 0.35…”

Yuki: “I’m getting to seriously dislike that countdown clock.”

Uhuna: “We’re all half-stunned… unable to do anything… unless I can just shift the stunned-ness from one hero into me…” And of course the Abhuman beauty reaches out towards Joshua J Clement…

Morbido leaves the heroes to their fate and strides across the silo room to the GeneBomb bay. “Shame nobody is left to witness my triumph. When we make the movie of this I’m going to have at least one of the Legion still around to beg.”

Visionary: “Hi.”

Morbido: “Hm. That’ll work.”

Countdown Clock: “0.22 0.22 0.22…”

Morbido: “What? What is this? The countdown clock is stuck!”

Visionary: “All those years fighting NTU-150’s kitchen appliances teaches a man something about stopping countdowns.”

Pricilla: “Sorry, father. I was going to kill him and get on with your evil plan, but then he asked me to move in with him. We’re thinking of buying a puppy together.”

Vizh: “And just now I’d like people to skirt over the whole how-our-sex-took-less-than-six-minutes plot timing discrepancy, okay? It was probably Sir Mumphrey doing something to manipulate the temporal fields, okay? Nothing else.”

Morbido: “My daughter? You side with this Visionary? This fake… What sex-took-less-than-four-minutes thing?”

Vizh: “Er, nothing.”

Morbido glares at Visionary, livid, then gestures and slams a jagged steel girder through the Legionnaire’s chest.

Pricilla: “Nooooo!!!! You can’t do that to him, father! That wasn’t funny at all.”

Vizh: *Bleeds*

Morbido uses his command of technology to restart the countdown clock. 0.10 0.09 0.08…

De Brown Streak blurs in. After all, he’s able to speed through those dimensional shifts quicker than anybody, right? And Princess Uhuna picked him as her hero to save the day. Plus he’s had time to go all the way to Herbert Garrick’s house, whiz past the anti-DBS cordon, fight half a dozen sentinoids, leave Garrick a Get Well Soon You Bastard card, and head back carrying Bad News Herb’s personal Mutate Gene Suppression Rifle.

DBS: “Okay dad. You have one chance to stop it all and surrender, before this gets far too Star Wars for comfort.”

Morbido makes the Mutate Gene Suppression Rifle explode, showering Josh with fragments, sending him backwards in spray of blood. It might be shown in Tarantino slow motion maybe. Pricilla screams.

Morbido: “Thus begins the reign of Morbido the Magnificent, Emperor of the World.”

Countdown Clock: 0.02 0.01 0.00. Boom!”

Mr Epitome and CrazySugarFreakBoy! race along the corridor, followed by the other Legionnaires – but they’re just too late!

But Josh isn’t. He wants to lie down and quietly bleed, because he hurts a whole lot. Instead he wills his metabolism to fast-heal, closing up the shrapnel would that would normally take months to heal in nanoseconds instead. Then he cranks up his mutate gifts to full power, shifting to speeds he’s never yet attempted.

He can see the vibration of particles now, the very waves of energy that are beginning to emerge from the GeneBomb. He has to catch every one of them, alter the frequency, speed it or slow it. If he misses one of the millions that are being released, everybody is doomed.

Talk about pressure.

The first subjective day isn’t so bad, and he catches a good quarter of the particles. But then he starts to feel the burning in his limbs, the fire in his lungs, and it gets so much harder. Time is slipping away, and he has to keep going. He feels the blood in his mouth and the tears on his cheeks.

Pricilla: “Not bad, twin bro. Keep going. If you don’t screw this up I might just give you a Christmas card next year.”

DBS: “What? How can you be saying this to me when I’m operating at 0.0001% less than the speed of light? Or some such scientific nonsense.”

Pricilla: “Duh. Hallucination. Actually I’m cradling Vizh’s body, using my Vex powers to make sure that the most annoying thing possible happened. Our dad’s going to find out shortly that irritatingly Vizh’s comcard caught the tip of the girder, shattering the sachets of ketchup Vizh was carrying inside that coat of his, and that he’s only bruised and winded. Frankly I feel I might be stretching my powers a little bit.”

DBS: “Join the club. Even my cramps have cramps.”

Hatman: “All the same, you need to keep going. You’re Lair Legion. We don’t give up, ever.”

DBS: “Oh, just great. I could have hallucinated Liv Tyler or Angelina Jolie. Instead I get him.”

Dancer: “Hey, what am I, chopped liver? C’mon Josh, keep it up. And by that I specifically mean stopping the GeneBomb, okay?”

DBS: “It hurts though. It hurts so bad I can’t think of a joke about it.”

Goldeneyed: “Yeah, but on the other hand if you manage it then you’ll be able to vindicate yourself once and for all and take your place amongst the heroes of the Parodyverse. We’d have to evolve some kind of snarky, competitive, but basically affectionate kind of relationship to spark off humorous character interactions.”

DBS: “Yeah, there’s an incentive.”

Yuki: “Hey, if you die, at least do it in a blaze of glory, yeah? I mean, if it’s your last run, make it memorable. Something people might talk about after you’ve gone, maybe look it up in the archives?”

DBS: “Good point. I can stand dying to save the world if I have to, but I’d hate to be forgotten. What’s the point in dying if half the women on the planet don’t cry themselves to sleep at night?”

Baroness Beth Zemo: “You have to survive, Josh. I haven’t managed to wreak horrible revenge on you enough yet. Think of the plots you’d be ruining if you give up now.”

DBS: “It sure is good the way you tell it, Beth. But I think I’m reaching my limits. I think I’m… pushing… too… far…”

Shazara Pel: “Nonsense. Keep going, Clement. Failure is for weaklings. I do not date weaklings. Therefore you will not fail.”

DBS: “You really should consider a career as a motivational speaker, Zara. I’m touched. I just wish I could do what everyone expects of me. I want to be a hero, really I do, but it’s so difficult…”

Sir Mumphrey: “Come on then, old chap. Final effort. If you can just contain the bomb we’ll be happy to smite the ungodly Morbido for you. I’m already plannin’ how to shift that belt of bones of his into the future so he can’t use its powers. And then it’s all over but the sound thumping.”

DBS: “Sounds good. All I… need… to do… is to… keep… running…”

Uhunalura: “Josh, you know this is a pain-induced vision caused by you straining your powers towards the final speed barrier beyond which you can never return, right? You know this is the end? But if this wasn’t a vision, if this had some kind of higher meaning or deeper truth, then I’d want you to know that… Oh Josh, I lo…”

And then DBS catches the last of the particles and vibrates his essence out of existence, beyond the speed barrier. Gone.

Visionary: “Gone? Hey, hold it, I thought that he was going to somehow get back at the very last minute!”

Mumphrey: “Morbido’s bone-belt’s been shifted into the future. Clobber the blighter!”

Hatman: “On it.” CSFB!, Epitome, Yuki, Hatman, Trickshot, and Dancer pile onto Morbido.

Pricilla, her eyes glowing redly: “Josh… gone? Noooooo! Nooooooooooooo!!”

CSFB!: “It’s like with Barry Allen in Crisis. Should we be quoting poetry now?”

Morbido: “My plans, wrecked! My GeneBomb, neutralised! My head, sat upon! My own son ruined everything!”

Visionary: “Pricilla? Pricilla, stop glowing!”

Pricilla: “Father, you and your mad plans have done this! You made me into this mad villainess, you tried to murder Visionary,, and now you’ve robbed me of my long-lost twin brother. And he was a hero! A real hero! Well, no more. NO MORE!

CSFB!, catching on too late: “Wait, I’ve read this…”

Pricilla: “NO MORE MUTATES!!!”

A wave of power washes out from the Vermillion Vex, past the Legion, over Morbido, over the Botherhood, over the base, over the country, over the state, then out, spreading across the globe, into space, beyond the solar system, on and on and on.

Librarian: “Is she allowed to do that across the Parodyverse without prior plot consultation?”

Al B: “I think she just did.”

It’s true. Pricilla DuBois has just neutralised almost every mutate in existence (except for the ones who are needed for other plots and marketing deals, naturally). And to do it she’s spent herself. There’s nothing left of her but the empty red leather costume in Visionary’s arms.

Anguished Vizh: “No… Not again!”

Dancer: “Oh, Vizh!”

Josh Clement: “What is it? What’s happened?”

Yo: “Josh? Josh is to be aliving? Josh is to be back?”

Hallie: “Of course! When the mutate wave neutralised his powers he slowed back to normal and was returned to us. Pricilla sacrificed herself to save his life.”

Morbido: “Wait? You’re saying I’m a disgusting lowly human? Aaagh! Aaaaghhhh! Kill me now! I’m a verminous scum! Aaarrggghhhh!!”

Trickshot: *thumps him*

Lisa: “So the Vex is gone, Josh is normal, and the world’s been saved? I’m guessing we’re near the end of the episode.”

Dancer: “Wow. This sure turned serious fast.”

______________________________________



Epilogue:

Later, at the Lair Mansion, Josh is just packing his things as Uhuna slips into his room. “So it’s true then? You’re going?”

Josh: “Yeah. I don’t have superpowers so there’s no reason for me to be in the Legion.”

Uhuna: “Visionary doesn’t have superpowers.”

Josh: “And your point would be? Anyway, there’s no need for a mutate rights fighter to defend mutate rights when there’s no more mutates. I’m back to being plain old Josh, and I’ve gotta go. I’m not a feature character any more.”

Uhuna: “What about us? Josh, I know you were hurt by what I did with Bill, but Bill was hurt by what I did with you too, and… well, I get easily confused about some things, you know that. But I’d like to work things through. I love you, I just don’t know what kind of love you it is. I’m thinking of writing to some newspaper advice columns.”

Josh: “I don’t think it’ll work, Uhuna. I’m out of the hero biz and they need you here. I’m heading home to Trinidad for a while, and then maybe I’ll take up my medical studies again, like before my powers developed. I’ve kind of got a taste for helping people in trouble.” He kisses the Princess. “I’ll never forget you, or the folks here. Not even with therapy.”

Uhuna gives him a last hug and he hefts his rucksack and slips out. Except there’s a crowd assembled in the hallway of the Lair Mansion.

Trickshot: “Whut, you thought you were headin’ off without a proper farewell from your team-mates, kid? Where’s the tie-in potential in that, huh?”

Mumphrey comes out to shake Josh’s hand: “Well done, young Clement. Finest traditions of the brigade, there at the end. Very finest. Enough said.”

Dancer gives Josh a hug. “Take care, DBS. And if you happen to find your powers come back to you, you come back to us, right?”

“I promise.”

Josh shakes hands with the guys and exchanges hugs and kisses with the girls (well, he’s not changed that much). Then he walks – not runs – down the drive and across the bridge until he vanishes into the seething mass of people in Parodiopolis. And then he’s gone.

______________________________________



What the Heck? Dept:

Yep, this is the final issue of De Brown Streak, and his last adventure. The real world reason is that in just under six weeks I’ll be finishing my houseman year and leaving Scotland to go home for good. It’ll be wonderful to be back with family and friends, and to come back having done what I set out to accomplish (a medical doctorate). But it also feels like some things are coming to an end.

I’ll be leaving behind some good friends here in Edinburgh, and I suppose I’ll never see most of them again. And I’ve decided I need to retire from the Parodyverse too when I go, because my life will be very different with more responsibilities and less time when I’m back home. I won’t ever forget the friends I made, in person and online, whose companionship has helped me when I’ve been lonely and homesick and depressed. Thank you all.

I won’t forget the stories either. I’ve downloaded the entire content of HH’s website to take with me, which has most everybody’s stories. I suppose I might weaken and peek from time to time to see what’s happening next. I’ve been amazed since day one of my time at the board at the quality and variety of material that gets posted here. You folks have taken a silly parody of superheroes and made it into an artform. Thanks for letting me play.

I hope the retirement of Josh and the PV’s mutate population doesn’t ruin anyone’s plotlines. I warned HH about some of this over a year ago when he asked if DBS could join the Lair Legion, and he helped me cook up the big story that’s been running in the DBS series since then.

I particularly hope it doesn’t screw up Visionary. I wanted to tidy up my cast before I went, but I know he was hoping to keep Pricilla around as part of his harem. I guess he could always bring her back somehow if he’s really desperate. On the other hand, this is the second time that poor guy’s had a women he loved go all metaphysical on him and fade out for some noble cause, so maybe Adam can make something of the emotional scars and get a good story out of that instead.

My very best wishes and affection to each and all of you. I’ll still be around for a few weeks yet, so if you’re going to post something brilliant, hurry up!

Josh

______________________________________



The Botherhood of Evil Mutates:

Morbido the Magnificent – has the ability to use the powers of any dead mutate he’s touching. He’s the leader of the Botherhood.

The Vermillion Vex - Pricilla DuBois – has the ability to make the most annoying thing possible happen to people. She’s also got a hot tight red PVC costume. Oh, and she’s Morbido’s daughter and De Brown Streak’s twin sister.

Obo the Indestructible – has this big-ass forcefield round him that protects him from pretty much everything and enhances his strength.

The Slob – he’s big, he’s fat, he makes Roseanne Barr look like a superwaif, and he’s pretty much unmoveable if he wants to be. He also eats far too much pastrami for a man who sweats that much.

The Slug – he’s a small, fawning man with slimy fingers. In fact his slime has all kinds of powers, from being an adhesive to being addictive to being narcotic to being hallucogenic. Slime really sums this character up, basically.

Flame-O – he’s able to control fires and he can make things explode. He’s kind of a much less cute and interesting version of Kerry Shepherdson, and probably finds the same people cute as she does.

Miragemind – he makes people see things that aren’t there. His ambitions include growing a moustache and finding a hot redhead telepath to exploit.

Fatale – she’s the obligatory shape-shifting hottie espionage expert, and in deference to Al B. Harper’s sexual preferences she’s naturally blue, okay?

Turbulence – He can makes things shake, rattle, and roll, just like any good ol’ boy never meanin’ no harm.

The Jumbuck – Rupert Oliver – An adamantine-skeletoned Aussie who strikes terror into the hearts of his enemies by dressing as a giant killer rabbit.

The Wailer – has a sonic shriek that can make people burst into tears. He’s also got a bad Irish accent that’s probably a second mutation since he’s from Chile.

Kismet – because every team need a nonagenarian blind prophetess to warn about upcoming issues.

______________________________________



If you're going to reply could you try to avoid spoilers about all this in the subject line? I don't get to do many shock endings, you know!





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